my dreams are broken
shattered to the ground
grey and white
breathless and dead
gone and
hated

i told my mother about the colleges i wanted to go to just an hour ago... not even an hour, and before i told her what ones she said "I hope you aren't thinkin' about going to some out of state college." Which almost killed me right there \.
 

I didn't want to continue, but i did and gave her my list... she didn't think i thought of going to  a liberal arts college on my own, and i did; i they have small classes, good for attention, SPECACUALR lanuage and science programs in which i wanted to go for. I was to major in Education and Engligh, moniroing in Chinnese. I want to be a writer, there colleges are right for that... they were right for me.

She said i was confused becuase i didn' know what the word liberal arts ment; i had an idea, and i think mien is still right \. Arrgoance it makes us fools but still happy. She called dance and music arts, but she never called writing an art. Never, never came to her mind that i crave to be a writer, wouild devote evetrything i can to be a writer, and have been doing so.

But what does she say... what did she say a year ago, "You write, so what?" I write, so what, it's not like i'm going anywhere... it's not like i'm going to ammount to anything ever, and it's not like i'm smart enough to write anything good enough for people to read and like it and get inspiered by it. I don't want to be a bestseller; i just want to help people.

I got ym plan test back today, my composite score is a 19; i fail at life... most of evreybody i know got higher than me and they don't study. Life is supreamly unfair. But it said for the ACT i would make between 20-25; i need at least a 30 for anywhere i want to go.... and i will not accept anythign less and anything NEAR this state and anything NEAR this town and anything NEAR these people.

I was making plans before i got home, i'll join drama ad libarey club, maybe a sport my senior year (track) and i'l start volentering for my local librarey and then get a job so i can afford college expensies i one savings account  and the Spain/France trip the second lagage classes usauly go on for my senior year... if they are still doign it by then. I will join that club too, now that i don't have to take french for it. Plans, they seem to stupid for me now, and i don't want to commit to anything now.

Becuase all this does is makes December look go good, the 28th a great exape, and everything else a third rate life.
this time will work, and it will be painless.

My dreams have drowned
My smile a frown
Becuase of this town
I want to pound
this iv'e found
into a mound
to give away this crown
of a clown
and not be
a noun

it was my sister's brirthday last week so i couldn't come to my dad's house, but i don't see why i couldn't come becuase the party was on sunday and i could have been back by the time of  it but now i'm here and i shall tell you most fo what i can remember of the past two weeks.

The numbness is getting worce; reallly bad, i'm trying to break it through but i like being closed off to much to break through the veil of indiffernce, the feelig of abcence almost bringing an impossible smile to my  face, and i like the feeling of being that way... one day i just sat on the marble floor of the garage bathroom where i went to write and study but ended up laying on the floor for a long while with the pencil in my hand, and when i finally could get up my hand was numb and i could balrey move it  not very good at all, but i did manage to get up and go back to the house where i did manage to acualy do things. Not many things but do things

tonight i didn't eat much candy, i won't eat much candy, and i refuse to eat a lot of candy. No cnady for me. I love Holloween, but i hate the candy

ok so i will just give you what i am planning to do for NaNoWriMo since today is the first day and i don't have that much time for this post and i need to get it done like right now!!

okay since i still can't finish editing , i'm just going to write lots of scenes and stuff for other stoires, think fo others stoires and stuff like that while whishing i could write for Life is Dandy grrr, but the good news is that i am really getting experince with second person and likeing what i am writing when i write in second person.

I'll be writing a lot of poetry to, i have been chastising myself about not writing that much of it and when i do it always being about me, so i will be writing more of it and not so much about me so i can be ... i don't know explore my views on things like some poets do and not always be writing about my life

so i've been trying to write for the whole day and i have been for the most part, i wrote this poem i like and i am almost done a secne for the You Books, but i don't like it very much, and i don't know why i decided to write it.... and it nhas been  making me think about things for NaNoWriMo and i have coem to a decision; i'm going to do what i did last year. Well, i Didn't do this lastr year but i did it after christmas but before Writing Hell, which i still intend to do again this year becuase that was soooo much fun. I loved Writing Hell, and i was under time constraint becuase i started late into the summer becuase i went to California. But i digress, last year I would write two poems a day and write a page a day becuase i wasd trying to finish LID (LOL at the time) and i was, for the most part, writing more than one page  a day and getting to know my charecters and loving to write and all that jazz, like i was doing in Writing Hell, but there had been a lot of watching Digimon and Avatar inbetween the writing sessions >.< wha??? i still managed to write 75,000 words before the start of school... well maybe the day right before school becuase i kept on procrastinating at the end about my word count so i almost had a major melt down when i lamost didn't finish, but i did ! And i won:) But not NaNoWriMo last year.

Anyway, i'm going to do that becuase i neglected my poetry over Writing Hell and haven't really gotten back aquainted with it sence, and i'm mjust starting to, not that i haven't been writing poetry. My poor, poor desolate fiction press in which i haven't used in a long, long, long time i think i might post a poem i wrote when it was raining a few months back when i was DEEP into Writing Hell and didn't have enought time to write down my own emotions let alone process the ones of my charecters.

Maybe that's why i'm so numb latley.... we will see how this treatment goes.

But i did write poetry when in California, it's in the notebook in which Christmas Eve Eve is in and Karina's first poem. It wa s a simple poem, and i like it, but this year i'm going for complex, theme, meter, strucutre, beauty with words, simplicity, ryme without insult ( becuase when i ryme i always insult becuase i hate to ryme and think it too cute for poety) and connection to me.  That's what i'm going to tackle in NaNoWriMo this year, but don't fret I'm still going to write seces and IF i can get my hands on a reliable computer i WILL start editing again, that's what my plans were for NaNoWriMo to begin with,to edit LID and make it spectacual... i wanted it to be done before christmas, again it didn't happen and never does for some reason. I didn;t like chapter 18 anyway ( that's the chapter that got deleated becuase i didn't get to save it on my jump drive even though it was finished becuase i was stupid and wanted to wait, ugh stupid me) becuase it didn;t really work togethor and a few charecters were OCC ( like in Breaking Dawn)

So, what is everyone else doing for NaNoWriMo??????

and i have more news i have found the PERFECT colleges for me, and i will DIE if i have to go anywhere else, my first choice is Kenyon College and second in Vassar College, but they are expensive and a little out of my leage, so i need to find some more like them with lower cost and greater acceptence rate. I will not live if i have to go to my state college, nope will not happen, those are my i-go-here-becuase-i-suck-at-life options. I refuse to conform to the mold of this town; i lay my own track and this is the one i am taking.

Why is this week so troubing , well let me explain.

Saterday, the day after i wrote that epic post on Trevor well i couldn't really move that day, i had no desier to move, had no want to move, have no need to move... had no life to move for, so for the ost part i just lay in bed in my sheets hovering above sleep for hours at a time or sleeping doing nothing feeling nothing and wanting to do nothing for the rest of my life. Nothing feels good , numb feels good, and it was the closest i have felt to good in a long time. Maybe closing myself off would be better than opening myself.

Sunday: was exactly the same, ecxept i broke a little bit on that day and cried a little bit when i got slapped with the thing i already know: what i want means nothing and theyonly care about themselves when thinking about what they want. I mean nothing, and i never will.  But i went to BN at night and things got a little better until i saw i don't even have enough money for another book and i have TWO coming out, one is already out  and did you know that the THIRD book in that stupid imortals book is comign out in November. She writes as though they are golden, but they are not. anyway, three books. No money. Empty.

Monday- no school becuase of holiday so i read a book and that was really it. I drove for like a small time. From my dad's house to ym mom's house and they live in the same town so not very long.

Tuesday- i switched from Free Ent to Civics, to a happy room to a room with beige walls, with a rack of old computer parts all white, to an almost beige floor, and sparcely any color. I hate beige. That room is going to depress people. Beige may be a nutral color, but with it's abcence of color or anything life at all it can make people tired, depressed, and sometimes irratated. It is not a freind, and i don't like it- not at all. Not to mention i don't like the teacher; he doesn't like me already. It's going to be a logn three months.

Wensday- half a day, not much to report, wrote a little bit starved a lot and gorged when she got home with food. I should stop that, and i will.Very sooon.

Thusday- the bets day ever. Trevor came back in first block. I almost screamed... i think i did; it was like a day dream coming barging into reality. I was confussed. What the hell was he doing here when he was supposed to be expelled? Though Taylor did say we didn't know that, but i was almost certain. But then my day dream broke when he went sit WAY on the other side of the room - away from me and his other freind in there. so i started writing the notes he had missed for the first couple of days, so he wouldn't get behind. I was in a state of dysteria; i was very dizzzy, i hadn't eaten in seven hours but i think the ruch of endorfins from when i saw him and then the crash of when he didn't come sit by us is what did that to me. I wasn't dizzy before he came in. I was exhuasted in 2nd block: emoting always makes me tired- extream joy or rage will make me so tored i'll go to sleep if i put my head down. But then i didn't see him again for the rest of the day; i lie i saw him one more time on the way to fouth block - the last block of the day. I was going to give him is notes, but he was walking too fast.

Friday- i went set to HIM that day, and it looked like for a moment he was going to go sit with them; i almost shuit myself right there. But then he didn't, and i was happy. Turns out he didn't need the notes but he kept on looking at the ones hisreal freind who had decided to come with me that day. I wonder if she would have stayed would he would have went sit there. Probably so, i shouldn;t have been so rash. We don't talk but mere words; he talks to his freind, and i get chistied for trying to talk by his freind and by the teacher that doesn;t like me. And then i remember the message i sent him on myspace, how it says i like him, and how is CANNOT read it now. In third block p.e. i find out ( possibly ) that Trevor hasn't had his hearing with the school boad yet so he can still be expelled by his real freind... he didn't tell me that. But he doesn't tell me stuff so i wasn't upset. Still, he couldn;'t read that message and i WAS going to tell in that in Civics - the only class i have with him and the only time i see him - but i failed at ever time i tried... too afraid of what his freind might say to me and if the teacher would go phyco on me for talking. So i stayed at my grandmaw's house and sent him another message telling him to NOT read the other message in the  subject so he wouldn't read it if ever he got on it, and then i revised he bad message to be good and printed it , so that if he would want to see it i would have it. I slept for a while, feeling numb and empty still

Saterday- wrote five pages and finished Fredrci's first chanage secne and is going to write first kiss scence this week. IS learning lots about fredric. Is starting to like Fredric.

All week- have thought about something, and is almost commited to it.

writing poems for christams presents for FREINDS - real freinds- if i'm still here by then.

 my freind got expelled on thusday- well he got caught with the stuff on thusday and i think they expelled him the next day. I'm not sure; i don't have the details yet. Anyway he got expelled for getting caught with some pills in which i know he sells, and which i know someone rated them out.

All snitches should die a panifuly slow death in which represents what they have done to the life that have snitched on. Not kidding. Not at all. Snitches are evil.

Anyway, yeah my freind got expelled and he's like a straight A student and was goign places in life, but this THIS will just kill all of those places. My 'freind' Taylor said they might have only supsended him becuase one of his teachers sent him his exam to do, but i read the handbook today and all i could see was expolsion for at least 2 school semesters becuase he isn't 16 yet. He's 15 people and he got called out of class, went to jail, and who knows what his parents did to him in one day. Some people just don't have any empathy, we call those people disfuctional and should be watched for mental instabibility. But he might just be suspened for 10 days, but i doubt it becuase we have this new principal and he is an ass, and it's up to him and the superentendant i think - the handbook wasn't really specific - so he might be supended for 10 days or expelled for at least  two school semesters. We have block scheduling, so he would be able to come back like the last nine weeks of school. Not that that would help anything; he would have failed half of the year. And no telling what's going on at home.

I always worry about peoples homelives, are they better than mine, worce, the same? And i don't know about Trevor's but what from i have heard things aren't going to be okay at the Gilmore house, and i hope he's hanging in there for the time being. He's my freind; i'm wrorries as freinds should be, and if you would turn in your own damn freind your'e not a freind at ALL, let life work it's own corse without you making things are horrible for them becuase you obviously don't think past the present. How will your snitching affect your so called freinds life afterword huh, how willl snitching make your so called freinds life better, how will you snitching on your so called freind make them see the 'light' ?? It won't. It will just make them hate you, and maybe later they will think good of you, but  getting someone expelled is bad KARMA and it will come back at you three fold. I hope the snitch knows that.

So yeah,Trevor wasn't my best freind but he was the only person i could talk to about things, we didn't hange out or really talk that much out of school ( mostly becuase he doesn;t have a computer becuase his got struck by lightening last year) but we were still connected. He dated Taylor on and off for a while back in middle school, and that's how i got to know him. But i evertaly told him everything before i even told my 'freinds' and he didn't tell anbybody. not one person. and for that he is good.

And it makes me sad that he is most likley expelled. I HOPE he's only supsened for 10 days, but i doupt it; there was nothing about first offeces for drugs just expulsion. Our engligh I teacher from last year is one of the prencipals at the high school, maybe she's put a good word for him. But i doupt it. Stupid snitches.

and don't be going all off on me drugs are badddd people who sell them are evillllllllll and they deserve to be put away for forever. Well, i know they are bad. But he wouldn't have done it out of high school. He wouldn;t have been around those people. He would have been too busy with school. Not so much now; i hope he just goes to rehab. They said somthing about that in the handbook, and one of my freind's freinds twin sister got expelled last year at the end of the year and went to rehab and came back to the grade she is supposed to be in - last year she was in 9th and this year she is in 10th and she is always getting into trouble. And our school works like that, if you are good you don't get nearly the concequences as the bad doing something. And the bad don't even get that bad of stuff. not a very just system but it works for now, and for the most part people don't complain.

But i still worry

sorry this post isn't very happy, but i;m not very happy. and i really don't give a fuck if you are happy he got expelled becuase then you are mentally unbalanced and i'm not going to talk to you

good day.

and squeeee for that :DDDD

if one does not know what that is i will enlighten one to upon what that it BECAUSE if one is a writer it is an excellent time to practise the craft without the rules and stuff that come with editing and with the omipressent thoughts of " I am the only one doing this in the world, and no one is every going to read my crapola"

well NaNoWriMo Natinal Novel Writing Month and it is as it says, the month for writing novels but wait how LONG is a novel, well acorrding to them it is 50,000 words!! Butn don't fret dear freind, for over the summer i wrote 75,000 words and i dodn't even have my full summer becuase for liek three weeks i couldn't well like get to the correct place to edit. Too much traveling, too much traveling indeed but dear freind i managed to come out of writing hell a winner and i had given up on a project and started a new one SOO it can be done. One just needs to do it every day, everyday, and every day !

Did i mention everyday ? Well i'm going to do it again becuase it's right! Everyday !!!

okay, so year 50,000 words one one month , buyahhhh

Karina are you doing it this year ???? Last year we both failed, but i only did becuase my computer with all broken ( like it is now) and i couldn't write very often becuase of the crazness but this year i have my journal things and i can write scences in there. I can write all kinds of scences from any story i choose. Get to knnow my charecters more, See inside their head, become one witht hem and them with me and their motives and histories reavling themselves to me in complete view. 50,000 words of that. And maybe more if i can even get to that without deing !!

It's hard, writing all of them words. Hard. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to be the only person i know going through the task fo writing. I don't want to be the only person i know writing down the things i feel and the things my charecters do, expressing themslves in every way possible. I don't want to be the only one - nope, not this year. Not next summer either.

 Sooo, the lucky reader of this sordid and ranckled blog, i corgely invite one to the lavish realm of NaNoWriMo prepatory in which one writes in prep for NaNoWriMo to find out about the charecter one wil choose to write with for November and the plot too ( charecter devlopment gets one extra bonus points ) so i won't be alone

Enough with being alone.

I know what i am doing

What about ya ?

and before i close let me say i made way on the ghost story, i have an ending and a theme and the charecter is more rounded. Can't wait to see WHY she is running, and in a forest, running from somthing he's what she is always sayign when i think of her,

    I am running, running through the board trees, running through the exhuasted light breaking through the arms and limbs from the tress, running with purpose, and running with guilt. Away from the light i am going, but  the darkness doesn;t want me; it pushes me away, shoves me towards somewhere different, and breaks my gait with a whip from the tress, cratching my cheek , drawing pricks of blood, with their gnawled hands - their burrning hands. Burning hands that brun me, but the blood isn't burrning, the blood isn't moving, and the the blood isn't sound; i am sound, but i am quite... i am running. Not burning, i shuffle for the darkness, gapign for air and looking for escape, but my blood is a fridig river on my insipid flesh, dripping down upon the damp and rotting ground stewen with indigo and scarlet leaves, darkening with my dull blood. As dull as the evading darkness it may be. Run, run my darting eyes see nothing but the ganwled hands of a burning freind, and i can hear the wheeping moan from my old freind escape his mouth when his enemy catches him, catches him with me watching at he but not wanting to join him. Tratior. Go, go i must go, but the darkness it evading me, and the burning is beconing me, and my rivelt is still frigid, but the life in me is burning like my chessnut eyes gazzing at the amy of gold and orange sweaping the ground and taking my freinds. Just watching as they waver for a momment then decend to grasp their clutches upon tthe leaves, charring them, then brining the ring of fire across it, becoming nothing but living ash. Then the gold and orange lumber towards me,  the darkness dispatched to another world, and i know there is nothing i can do, but i run, run through the blaze and extended hands, and weepign freinds, and dying ken, and towards somthing i cannot reach but run to anway.

Whoa, wasn't expecting that but anyway, here ya go:)

lets do the bitch slap first, a bitch slap to my supposed freind for telling yet another guy about me being bi, do they not know i'm a little not ready to just proclaime it to anyone yet??? it's HARD and just ugh i might as well just tell them to tell everybody and anybody becuase that what's happening

but i will not let this place be botched by the horrible things my 'freinds" do to me so lets get one with the stuf i am not accomplishing becuase of my computer troubles

but first let me say i have some headwind with the "writer stoies" i have all kinds of new things and new machanics that i'm nailing down AND it has alll the muses in it Writing, Drawing, Singing, Daning, Umm Muscians, Scuplting, and if there are any more i am sorry for having them left out of the writer storys. AND there are the Sciences, which i'm still definding but we will see what they do when i get them more in the light.

i have more on Bane, remember from "Scibling Days" his name was totattly different and that short story is in a different time and setting than the story of Bane but i got the idea from the main charecter from "Scribiling Days" as a rivial of the main charetcer and the theme and  all sorts of things but now i have more on him and his freind which i think i will name Clarissa, or maybe Andriea i like the last one more, and i need to have a larger bank of A names becuase i fail at thinkign them up all the time. But i'm good with D, though i think charecters with the first letter of my name would strike some people as self-inserness and i shouldn;t do it but if they would only know that i'm not really good with other letters very much, and i REFUSE to use names of peopel i know and/or the name of charecter i read in books, and it makes me a little sad when i see names i use in other books.

And what is with the name Jacob? It's been in like 6 of the books i have read reccently. Are people trying to cash into the name of Jacob becuase of Twilight ??? If so, for SHAME authors who do that SHAMEEEEEEE. I can't use it becuasee my cousin is named Jacob. And becuase of its abundnace in books recently. Not like i would use it anyway; it;s a boring name.

Anyway, i have loads more info for those stroies and i have some for the "prequels" becuase they sort of are but not in the same way becuase in the prequels its like the instuctors learning about their powers durring the Civil Rights movement, some goign for it, some against it and mostly just trying to support their cause whilst living mistakes and accidents and getting VERY messy when finding their muses ( i'll refer to them as muses now).

I should point this out right now that this isn't Harry Potter and a magical letter from Dumble Door does not come when one finds the power of their underdeveloped muse, some don't find out about anything before they die and it's far too late to enlighten them. The recuriting system is very messy, with writers TRYING to write the rule that upon finding their muses and the power of them they would know, but the rule never takes full effect. It just washes away from reality as they pencil it in, such a same. But they do find some of them, and they get a letter through the NORMAL postage - more of a collage form thing with all the things u get for collage becuase that's what it is. A collage, for some. For some they  are found before high school and it's a boarding school.

 The dancers and scuplers, and mucisals are easier found, for their impact is obvoise. Not so much for the others.

now for somthign else

i have a totatl ending for Tree/birdge now. And why am i calling it tree/ bridge now instead of Memoires, well that title gave away too much so i'm going back to the first two. And i might be getting more titles latter but who knows, i might decide to put both of them if ever i am publsihed Ha! * people upon seeing Tree/ Bridge as a tile* "What is this? Did this author so incompatent he can't even think of a title?" "Why yes, i am. Would you like some flowers with your fire?"

  Ha, ha,  and i am getting more into the charecter and their lives and there shall be - for now- 3 points of view. I think that's why i couldn't write it for Writing Helll was becuase i hadn't figuered everything out yet... like how many points of view i'm going to have. But hey, in Life is dandy,  i didn't know how many i would have until haflway through editing. And i'm still thinking about Fredric, for hsi side of everything isn't shone, Not fair. So he might get one. when i get a computer, to start editing again.

So yeah, Tree/bridge is back to it's original titles.  and i have a more definded beging. than i did before. And a better voice i think. I always feel like writing the ending for that story, i feel like writing it on the board at school and screaming it to the world, showing how the world isn't perfect. That's why i like The Knife of Never Letting Go   by Patric Ness so much becuase it shows that evil wins in life, most of the time, it does. Evil Wins, like i did the other day when i was playing against people who were cheating and who were calling me crule names where i could hear them in P.E., they won. Evil won. I want to show that. Evil can win. There is never a happily every after. That's why i hate most books ( like Evermore, Blue Noon was better becuase it was a tragic ending) becuase they have a happy ending. And i will. Soon.

Oh and in other news i have a new story ^-^ Well, not really new becuase i have tried to write this one before logn ago when i thought i was amazing at writign and i could not be beat, and i thought meyer was amazing also... like i said it was a long time ago. It's about mermaids and humans , now before you start i don't know much about mermaids but the ones i have are like very pale ( becusse of the no sun in the dephs of the ocean thing) they like burn and die if they on the surface for too long ( well, why wouldn't they it's like being albino, i'm just trying to fallow science) and they can't see well the girl mermaid is completely blind. And that's all i really have now except for the boy being a dwarf and having pink hilights in his hair :D. Pink Highlghts fTW.

now for the crashed review

Crashed was better than skinned in many ways and that's saying somthing becuase most of the time a sequal isn't better than the original becuase the creator gets lazy

but oh no, Crashed was wayyy better than Skinned and the plot wasn't what i was expecting but it sort of was with the war thing and the love intrestv getting hurt sort of but Jude didn't die and he jus went some where ... some where i don't know where becuase he just left at the end of the book, like a crazt person

there was lots of charecter devlopment in this book and i love charecter development way more than   plot, that is why i find Harry Potter boring becuase the charecters are flat and they are rarley devloped into anything. Most children's books center aroudn the plot rather than charecter development. Don't ask my why, they just do and it annoys me to no end;

I'm not going to give anythign away but it was a very good book and i recommend it

now i need to get the Seven Deadly Sins books so i can watch the movie on Lifetime when in comes otunext year

oh and thanks robbin for the email :D

okay my computer is still fried and i have no way to finish editing becuase now my borhter's computer is acting stupid too and if one is wondering how i am writing this it is becuase i am on my dads computer and i am writing this while at his house after finshing Bram Hamberic and the Farfeild Curse

now i'm out of books but don't fret becuase today i am going watch a movie Serigets and i'm going to BN to get Going Bovine by the awnseness that is Libba Bray and other books that have come out this week but i have been deprived of a way to get them becuase i live in rulal land.

anyway back to writing i don't really have a plan on that i will continue to write in my note book thing with radnom secnes from my many stroies in my head, i have just written on from a mermaid story i'm dying to get more into. I've always wanted to write a mermaid tail, and i once was but it wasn't very good so i stoped and deicded to do somthing else much like i always use to do when i wasn't really siriouse about writing. Back when my computer didn;t go all crazy on me when i am trying to write a story here!!!

and i have finshed crashed obivously, i finshed it a week ago, and it was better than Skinned in my opinon still sort of had that second book of a trilogy plot BUT it was pretty good and i enjoyed it. The Cover is still fugly but i enjoyed it :D

  and i can't really go into detail with this now becuase of timing issues ( we are leaving in like 25 minutes) but i will later when we get back/

 first things first the dark days are here again becuase my freinds keep on betrayign me in the worst ways, always talkig about my boy chursh when he is right there in first block and it is a horrib feeling o get when i see him gag when he is talking about me... but i still can't help but like him becuase on friday they were being mean to him bcuase he was"grochy" i just wanted to scream to them "you don' know what his life is like and what he has to endure at home, so he migh of had a bad night last night so LEAAVE HIM ALONE" i should be adding that the only reason they know anything about myhome life s becuase they invaded it two months ago when they told my parents al kinds of stuff and i cired in the morning when i got to school
 

yeah that was the end of the old submissve Devan and the birth of the mean and agressive Devan

But i didn't all i said was to leave him alone, and i offered to do his work for him since he didn't look up to it ( he was puting his head down and sleeping sort of ) but he said no,so i was like okay then *le sigh* i just want him....

and now for th irating problem that is always appearing for som reason durring the Fall,my computer is on the frizz WITH CHAPTER 18 STLL ON IT DISSPAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate Vista, i swaer i didn't do anything to it ( i came home to it like this afer i as forced to leave it over here when i went ot m dads, and see what happens when i leave my stuff here THEY DESTROY IT) it has updatesit wants to load and it' on stage three but it will not get further than that and it just shuts down... its been like this for a week

 a week, i could be a chapter closer to finishing editing if it weren't for this :(  i hate my life, it is always doing this to me ALWAYS DURRING THE FALL sooo i have the battery out for the first time this week so i hope that wil just make it forget that it wants to update. i will not louse chapter 18.... i will not louse it. if id doesn't work b this week i'll just ... i guess i'll have to use this computer but the keyboard freezes sometimes as one may see here when some words are smushed togethor sooo i don't know, i have forbade myself from editing in the journal things .... i don't know i love this place and i have been missing it, even though i jus went through my freinds and no one has been posting that happens not to be a published author, and i have a queation for Karina

  how is life?
   how is writing?
  how is school? ( i know u have started)

 have you gotten a chance to draw Vince?

 bye bye for now

good news first

i have found the poetry godness and i love her , her name is Ellen Hopkins i have read in a matter of three days Idintilce, Crank, Tricks, and Implulse and i love them all. I love ever charecter .... well almost every charecter i nevr really liked Renne from Identicle very much but she wasn't a horible person but anway i LOVE her books  I LOVE HER STYLE AND I LOVE HER POETRY!!!!!!!!! evough with the caps
 

sadness becuase i still need to get Burned and Glass ( glass is the sequal to Crank, ha if i would have known that when i baught it i would have asked for the damm thing but nooo i thought they were all stand alone book but anway i love them all anyway) Impulse in my favoite, and at first i thought these books would be chalenging to read but they are not at all; they are in fact very quick reads that show one the realness of sex, lust, depression, adiction, and abuse  and i love how she adresses them all.

 i should have gotten Bunred today when i bought Crashes and Bram Hamerbic but i didn't , bad bad bad me but i didn;t and i wish i had it becuae i am craving hokins now. she is up there with my favoite authores now. Her books on the books my children will read becuase they show everything they need to know about life. I don't care if they are mature books, children these days are so unprepared for life the  think death will not - cannot- strike them down at any moment. But it can. And it will.

and i wil have to post this right now becuase i have liost my train of thought becuase i haven't been on here for a week

i'l post the reason like right after this

if i every have children anyway; i'm still on the dence about that.... i really don't want kids, but the idea is nice.

anyway i'll start the two books i got today when i finsh Life of Pi and The Lovley Bones, they are pretty short and it won't take me that long to read them i think. Iv'e been wanting to read those books for forever, and Crashed as a stupid ass cover Ugly Uglu Ugly clichie clichie clichie, it makes me want to wince at how so clichied and ugly the Crashed cover it becuase MOST  of the time sifi book covers are horrible ugly and obivously fake-- like Crash. *sigh* doesn't help that i think i know the plot of this book already

what is up with the teen sifi gene ?!??!?!? it need a kick in the ass thats what it needs

 as for bram , i think i'll read that before Crashed seeing as i like Kaleb more and seeing that i had to go into the childrens section to get it.. it was weired becuase i felt like a pedo going in there, really i did and good thing i found the book fast becuase then i would have looked like a creeper. And this one man nodded at me, he was like in his early 40's i could tell and Asain but he was handsom none the least but i still hitailed it out of the awkard zone before anything else could happen

Damn Kaleb why can't you write teen books, oh i know , becuase there is such a lack of talent in thge teen section they have stoped looking for it..  On another note why are there some books in the children's section in the teen section Narnia? The Giver ?? The Giver is in no way a CHILD"S book but i guess it could be but i would have to be for the advanced children becuase i don;t think reagaul children could understand it. Children these days are stupid. Sorry, not their fault it's the parents. And teachers without degrees. And poor publiuc school funding ( like mine ). And the southern way of thinking spreading faster than the flu ( which iis spreading quite fast down here, the flu that is,)

Sorry for other sotherns aroudn here or reading this but I do not count myself among you guys

Never

Becuase all you guys do ( when i say you guys i'm talking about men and woman - boys and girls) is critisize people baced on their Race, their Clas, their SEXUAL ORIENTATION, their IMIGRATION STAUS ( i don't really like illeagl immigants either but i can where they are comign from, trying to escape somthing and only haveing one way of doing it - illeagly) and their LOOK

i swea if anyone even looks Phillphina they are Mexican to peple around here. Hello there are MANY counties and races that have the same look to them. Check out Asai Chia, Korea (both of them), Japan ... ect for the most part look the same. And most Americans stryopte them and they doMexican's but i'm sick of it SICK OF IT. What would you call me? I have a natural tan look to me ( in mostb places ) have brown hair( not curly but somthing of a weird mixture of everything) and brown eyes. My family ( if you would go back down the generations) in French and i think Spanish. Acosta's are spanish right ???. Anway, i know i'm half french for one thing.  But i'm white OR ESCUSE ME CAUCASION since you can't use Black, White, ,Brown ect. to decribe people. i don;t know why African American just sounds insulting to me, has a nasty taste in the mouth... i don't know what it is but it just doesn't feel right to say it. Expecauly down here. But anyway i guess i'm white and i'm tired of prejiduse and racim but i have more to say right now on

   SExual Preference

i'm bi, you know that, peole i don't want to know now that ( it's beyound my control now but i'll get to that later ) my mother knows that but pretneds it does't exist, my father the same, my immiedate family the same.... everyone else dosn't know, everyone else of left in the dark

For now, as i said it's out of my control now, the big mouths have opened and there is nothing left for me to do about it but watch and cry, watch my life fal apart, watch my life becoming nothing, and watch my life become entetainment for the people of the public.

on friday durring lunch it was raining ( i was reading Identicle at the time and having a good time  with it ) and so i went to the libarey to read  it and read while  i filled somthing our for the libarey ( she wanted me to tell her what books to buy and i was oh so happy to help her) but then the bell rang to get consessions ( ten minute bell as we call it) and there isn't enough time to read anything and remeber it in ten minutes so i went off to the gym beacue it was raining ( still is ) and that is where we are directed when it is raining about ( or the libarey) and when i got there all was fine and all was glad until my "freinds" retuned with the goodies

i was already mad at one of my "friends" becuase she wrote Devan Heart's ( it was a heart) XXXXXX on my hand in first block and i wasn't too happy because the person i like was sitting right beside us and she wrote in X's his name and they kept on talking about it with him right there and i kept on having to direct him to other topics of coversation but he wanted to know what we were talking about... good thing the bell rang first. He knows i'm bi but i don't want to tell him this becuase i'm note sure of his stance.

Back to the gym, when they arrive with the goddies they start talking about me and my being bi, starting asking me if i think of myself of the boy or the girl when doing stuff and this is after asking em in the week if i shave myself and who do i like and all kinds of other stuff and i had had about enough of there stuff and

okay i'm 2/3's done chapter 18 :D

 yeah all i have left is one POV Elle's

Lillian is DEAD dead dead dead dead

dead

 and now all i have left is to write the one POV i have no clue about Elle's

i have also no clue what i'm going to be naming this chapter and what the quote is going to be, but i guess i will get there when i get there and see what i see and  hear what i hear when it is finshed

and then THEN after i'm done 18 i have like 2... maybe one chapter left until MEMOIRES  lets all do a happy dance becuae i KNOW memoires will take a long time to do, maybe two weeks like last time when i had to do it in long hand and did a million pages in one day becuae i wanted to finish the damn chapter before i died

 now after memoires is where things start to get fuzzy for me in the rough draft department beuase i know i put like a buffer chapter or two in the rough draft bewtween memoire and the action climax but i don't know it might have been the next chapter... which i think it wa but i'm going to loook up anyway incase i didn't

 and if anyone is keeping tabs on how much i have CUT from this story with unneccary filller there were 34 chapters in the rough draft and i'm balrey looking at 22 for the final copy SEE so much non needed crap. Well seeing that like 3 chapter were spent getting them our of the hospital and 2 were supposed to be one but it got too long  the rough draft was really only about 28 chapters, still a lot to cut but oh well this one is awesomer

a note for karina WHERE IS MY DAMNN PICTURE >:O  extreamly mad face  haha joking ( i guess)

 sirously your summer is almosy over Tick TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TICK TOCK *coughs i want it sooncoughs*

 please

 thats all for today peeps

soo i was sick this week and i couldn;t write

nope, not at all becuase all it did was irratate me when i was al stuffed and having an aching throate, but i did get to read a lot and i'm having some trouble with my favoite books of all time list becuase i just fround another one and i don't know where it would fit on my list i think it is clashing with Thirteen Reasons Why, but i think i like that book more; i need to read it again, and i need to read all my favoite books of all time again, but i will see when i read them all again in the months i'm not going to have any new books comign out ( Novemeber) and when i'm just waiting for my new books to come out.

 but i'm going to start writing again when i finish writign this post, i promice , i did write a little bit of chapter 18 when i was sick and i almost finshed Boy's part but then the sickness was too much for me and i couldn't write anymore with the train of thought in my head, so i just decieded to stop until i got better and i here i am better and fully insperied to write witht he books i have read over my little break

 i can't wait to write the dream i'm going to be writing in the end of Boy's part, which that's all i have left of this part is the end and then i go into Vince's part and his won't be that long, and then i have Elle's part and then i think i am doen with this chapter, won't be very long i think but won't be very short

if one must know where i am at in the editing porgress this the chapter in which Lillian meets her untimely death, Fredric's was last chapte, so one will see i have little time left in Life is dandy... things willl start to go very fast and this was the time last year when i wad considering severign the seqaul from the story and now i'm doing it again. Thinkign about cutting the story and making it a stand alone, becuae stand alones are always better than stoires with sequals in my opinion, but then i think of the story the seqal is giving me,and then i think of the story everyone is giving me, and i want to write the sequal and i want to give their endings justince and have them and very definate ending, nothing left up to speculation but the time inbetween their middles and their ends ( i'm planning on two epilogues for , but death is diliouse and i'm not telling one the reason why) and yeah and i have beeen contemplating other things with Madison, but i don't know yet; i have little chapters to get a decision on the questiosn i have about him and his onesslef

 and memoires.... memoires is gettign larger and larger everytime i think about it becuase i want their to be so much in it and i don;t know how i'm going to do it all, more so with Lillian beucase i know she has so much to tell in so little a time frame and in know i want to write a prequal and i shouldn't put too much in memoires but i need to, i need to show the readers what happened; i need to show them why she loved him so; i need to show them why he betrayed he not only once but twice and again and again, and i need to show them everythign she is willign to show and everythign she doesn't want to speak about or feel or see again in her past. I need to show them who she really is and not the thing she wants herself to be.

  SO memoires with Lillian alone is getting larger, more so when i add Fredric little part Olivia oh yeah i forgot her part has gotten bigger too becuase i want to show people what she expeicned back then and the struggle she had and what she done when she wasn't herslef but was still incontroll and what she saw but didn't say again. Long, this will be a long chapter

 Fredric's part will be the same lenth, i guess, and as for Sharron and Elle their's will be longer, becuase i have to add somthign in theirs making them better showing the grey, the white, and the dark of their lives everytime in the memoires they remember, and i  know exaclt how i'm going to do it... i think.

 Jamie's ( Lace/Cate??/) but i think i'm going with Lace for her real name anywho her's is going be longer than last time and since no one knows what i put in it last time sicne i was writing in the journal thing i'm not going to tell one, but  it wil still have what i put in their the first time only this time i'm showing the before, the durring, and the after everything soo it's going to be large. Very large, and i ca't wait to write it. and since jamie/ Lace wouldn't be in the prequal (maybe if i inculde Sharron) i don't have to be all picky about what i put in memories for her.

Derik, oh how Derik's will be so sad for me to write and i will make sure his willl make things better for his life, but i know what i'm going to write in his; i know what i'm going to do; and i know where the grey, the white, and the dark is in his tale; and i know what i'm going to write for him ... i just have to do it right.

Vince well.... welll his white, dark, and grey haven't been estabilished yet but he will have a part in memoires too, and his will be the last POV and the most powerful if i can help it

  so lets do a head count on who is going to have a POV in Memoires ( the chapter)

   Olivia

   Lillian

 Boy

Elle

Fredric

Sharron

Jamie (Lace)

Derik

Vince

  wow, all my main charecters and plus some are going to be in memoires .... this is going to be a large chapter..... very large... maybe bigger than in the jorunal thing becuase i'm adding so much ( remember that Lillian POV i put up here a while back, i'm putting that in their too but it's going to be tweaked) this will be the largest chapter in my story i think. This will be the emotinal climax of the story; i think there are to climaxes in a story: emoional and action orrietnted. I like the emointial ones better, but the action one will be in there; i'm not tellign one where it is though, but it is after Memoires.

    i wonder if i can fit a review of catching Fire into here

i think i can

 okay Catching Fire here i go, well i'm not going to say it was the best book in the world or even in the US or even of the summer or this year becuase that would be wrong, and i'm not going to say it was the worst book becuase that would be wrong too, and i didn't enjoy the book becuse i did, but i will say it was predictable as the teen sicence fiction books are becoming.

 the first in every sirese is always awesome ( exculding Evermore becuae Blue Noon was better in every since and should have been the first one ) and most times sequls don't live up the the begining ( Digimon Adventure 02 horribleness and i hate it but this isn't a book) anyway this book didn't meet The Hunger Games as always i always think in a trilogy the first book could have summed up the entier sirese and should have been a stand alone book (exculding Uglies by Scott Westerfeld and imputting Eclpise by stephenie meyer ( really i thought the books were over after Eclpise, imagine my surpise when i went to her website after finishing the book the very same day why didn't she just finish it there it was the perfect ending to a horrible romance???)) Anyway, Catching Fire - in my opinion - sank the creativity of these books becuase ... of well... the plot. I'm not going to lie, ever since i knew there was going to be a sequal i had a horrible feeling about it, horriblem horrible, horrible. I knew somthing wasn't going to be right; i knew somthing wasn't going to fit; and i knew what was going to happen even before the advanced copies came out - even beore she finished the damn thing as i know what's going to happen in the third one. As in every damn teen sifi book there MUST be a rebellion in the second book, there MUST be a war in the third, and a love intrest MUST die in the third book, perferbly the one the girl/ boy ( even though it's always i a girl) has feelings for the most. So, i knew the districs were going to rebell, and i knew there was going ot be this super secret rebelion place where only certain people know about and is totally unequiped for a rebllion against somthing as strong as the Capital or an UNNAMED ciy but will win anyway and the evil people in charge will louse, be killed, or demoted to somthing humilating. Back to Catching Fire, i was little surpiesd by what was happenning, wasn't happy when they announced another games becuase all it did was taint The Hunger Games for me and the memoires of be reading the first time with her and Peta in it. This time just sucked. Not going to lie. There was no threat, ever. I wasn't scared for any of them. They died to damn fast; i wasn't intrested by any of the new charecters, i thought Joanha was a guy for a little while but then i saw i was reading her name wrong. I wasn't sad when the people sacrifised themselved ( though i never get sad most of the time i books, i think i should , i want to, but most of the time it doesn't happen and this time i didn't even want to). I don't even remember what most of their names are. Just random people i wasn't very thrilled to read about becuse i detested another Games, and i knew that was going to happen too - not in the begining but when i was around that page i was like "Well, the only reason they are going to watch this is becuase they are going to be in it. " and i wasn't happy when i came true.

  And really, stop with the I'M GOING TO DIE BECUASE I MUST SAVE PETA SHIT i never thought Kantiss was going to die, not even in the first one, writers today don't have the gual to kill their narrator off. Plus, there is still another book coming. Thall shant be noth killings withs thoue booketh unwriithens. This is why is like stand alones better, anything is possible. Plus Peta is going to die in the next book anyway, he's in the capital with whats her face, and his a love intrest, the one Kantiss likes the most. His death is coming, and coming fast; he should have just died in the Hunger Games, he should have accidently eaten the berries then DIED, much better tragic endding than what we got. We got teenage love afair. Enough with teenage love affair. Enough with ciches of sifi teen writing. Enough with boring plots. Hunger Games held promice, and Catching Fire desroyed it. I did not hate the book, just was greatly dissopinted it by it. I'm not really jumping and and down for the next book. I've had such endings before. And now typing this i'm making other connections to other books with the destruction of District 12. If i were forced to give this a starred review; i would give it a 2.5 out of 5. Nothing special, nothing amazing, lots of volance, lots of blood and lots of grotesc images but it just was in bowel of potaotoe soup. Spectagular scences, but in somthing that was so bland, so not original it just didn't arouse my insperiation ( like some of the books i have read latley have). *sigh* It was like being told one was going on a spectagcular vaction, but being told one's going to a desk not at school, not in ones room, but on a road where nothing happens and one is cahined to the deak unable to do anything and hear anything but seeing the nothing all around one.

Boring. So yeah, uglyness.

guess what i got today
 

Catching Fire :DDD i know how lame devan gets it after all of the fancy give aways but psht i got it from wall mart what can be better ? * crowd screams one sighned by the author and won from her house idiot* well the corwd don't know nothing so shut up!!!!

and os i will start reading it as soon as i finish Absoulute Brightness, which i really hate the narrator in that book because she is soooooo stupid and agirvaiting i dont know why she would think half the things she would think but anyway alost done with that book and cant wait to read Catching Fire

and in other news i hear Cali i under fire attack are you okay Karina is that why you have been absent from lj and aim for like forever ?

pleaee respond before i think you have died from the fire

 yesterday was a combntion of a good day and a bad day it was good becuase i got ot og eat out and eat GOOD cheesecake but it was bad becuase one of my freinds blurted out that i was bi infront of somone i didn't want to know

 i i have pe. until december and i can't afford having people in the locker room knowing about this! no telling what they will do to me, and i don't want to find out so that was a very bad thing for her to do and then the next our another bad thing happened: i heard a boy talking about how i was bi

and the thing is her was right beside me and he was talkign to his freind and i guess he thought well i guess i'm talkign low so he won;t hear me but i did and it is irratating hearing somone talk about me and saying the word sick in the same sentence and i just wanted to look right at him and say I CAN HEAR YOU DUMBASS STOP TALKING ABOUT ME !!!! but i didn't becuase that would have resulted in horrible things i think and then i was sitting my my other freind and she was tring to talk about the goy who knows now because of my other freind and i was told her to shut up becuase there were people right by us and they were already talking about me, but she didn't hear me or them for some reason

ugh ugh ugh

  this isnt going ot be good, and the first boy i told becuase he is my freind i think he thinks i'm sick too becuase he treats me different now, and i don't like that he does that becuase i am the same person just  i have told him and it's very annoying everyone treats me like i'm carryign a fatal diesease and should be killed in all the reasons possible

 december is far away

 but then i got home and then went to Baton Rouge and then i went to barns and nobel where i got a lot of books i tired putting pics on here before i started the story but it was taking too long and it wasn't working like it was when i was doing my favoire anime moives, so i stopped and i'm just going to list them now

The Lovley Bones CH

Life of Pie  CH

Absoulte Brightness CH

north of beautiful

Soultice

A Little Freindly Advice
Kissing the rain

On the dead road

Lucas

Tricks

crank

Impluse

Identical

Blue is for Night mares

White is for Magic

Sliver is for Secrects

Red is for Remmberance

Black is for Beginings

Eighth grade bites  CH

Nineth grade Bleeds

Teneth grade Slays

 the ones that have CH at the end of them are for Chapters becuase yesterday when i got home i was short a book , the first one in the Valdor Todd somthing or other even though i put it in the stack >:o so i had to get it today and i got some other books while i was there.

as for writing i have just finshed the 17th chapter and i know exactly what i am going to do with the next one :D becuase i couldn't add Boy at the end of it becuase it would be repitious and stupid to do so becuase his urges have always been the same so i'm not even going to go there and waste words and papper to just give him a pov. sorry iiv'e bene out all week busy with writing

sorry haven't updated in a few days i have been usy writing and have finished chapter 16 yesterdaay and i'm goign to start writign chapter 17 today with Sharron becuase i need to know where she went, so i will have to start with her today

and i'm happy to say that Jamie at her first non poem pov in the last chapter, but i think she will have poetry next  chapter becuase she isn't realy devoloped yet, so i will continue to switch between poetry and regular for the rest of Life is dandy, ( there might still be poetry in but death is dandy. and i'm pretty sure there will  be but lets not just the gun) and i have like two more chapters until memoires :D can't wait until i am done editing and i get to show my freinds like three years of labor ( i started writign the horrible pre-first draft at the end of 8th grade and then in the summer i started writing the not much better first draft so not really three years more like a year and a few months sorry for exageratign it)

  that is if i have any classes with my freinds becuase i don't really have any this semester becuase my schedule is crap! but i'm hoping the next semester is going to be better becuase i had some last year that wanted to read it but i never let them becuase it was the horrible first draft and i didn't want them to see what i wrote like back then. SO i really hope i have some classes with them, and i have one class with my boy crush who wanted to read it last year but i don't know if he will this year becuase he knows i'm bi and i think that changed his opinion, but he doesn't know i like him... ..

 speaking of my boy crush, he flirts with my freind a lot ( my freind i am talking about is a girl) and like on thursday he was all playing with her knees and hugging her after pe and i was going crazy inside thinking "WHY WHY IS HE DOING THAT TO HER AND WHY IS SHE LETTING HIM BECUASE SHE HAS A BOYFREIND ALREADY?!?!?!? WHY CAN'T THAT BE ME."

 and i made a face becuase i was getting a little sad and i could sort of feel  like tears ( what? if one saw the person one liked flirting all over ones freind that already has someone wouldn't one get a little distresed?) were coming so i just rolled my eyes hoping they would go away, and they did but my freind saw and she asked what the face was for and i just said it was my bored face when i should have said " Get away from him you whore! You have somome and i'm still convinced the person flirting with you is gay... somewhere in there heis gay or bi or what ever so go make out with your own person." yeah i was a little depressed that day and friday becuase i talked to Lana - my ex and the girl i like.

we are freinds now, but i have been thinking she hates me but we been talking and on friday and she was getting tired and i wanted her to stay awake so we started talking about who we like and how some dude called her a stalker and how his freinds just started doing somthing so that she would stop liking him and i talked about trevor ( boy crush) and how i still like her ( one would have to understand we have dated on and off for a few years, she dumped me on my birthday and then forgot we were supose to start datting when freshman year started, then told my cousin about my secrets last year who told everyone in the world, and then cursed my out before all of that because i wanted to know why she called Kelsey - the person i told about my scrects first and then told even though i told her not to - a slut  and she didn't want to tell me so i told her some things and blagblah we got ina huge fight.)  An i told her  on friday i'm trying not to like her becuase it's likeing the impossible becuase she never likes me and always avoiding me and then that made her sad but i was already sad becuase i know liking trevor is like liking the impossible and then i sort of like Kelsey and i was like trying to rip away my heart not liking Lana so i was sort of crying becuase i felt sooooo like empty and hollow while texting Lana ( i don't have very good servise where i live so i have to text everybody) and yeah my love life is non existent and empty.

    more to come when i succede in wooing one of them but kelsey likes someone else and is "talking" to someone else so.... idk how that is going to go plus she was all sad on friday becuase my "freinds" were talking about how she wares too much make up - i don't even notice it so idk what they are talking about - and how she is going to look ugly in the constume they are waring for halfway --- i think that's the first dance we have or is back to schoo.... i think it's back to school ---- and i think they really being mean to her, talking about her stomach being all ugly and stuff and i don't want to surround myself with such vain  and shollow people.

hopfully i won't have to for much longer

well i would have been finished wayyy sooner with this chapter that i'm stil writing iff y alarm would have woken me up when it was supposed to
 

for its credit it did wake me up, and for some reason i went back to sleep and i don't even remeber waking up to put it on snooze becuase when i woke up at like 3 i was like what to fuck why is it on snooze and why am i up soo late when i'm supposed to be writing,and by then i was too depresed to be even thinking about writing becuase i wanted to wake up at 11 so i could wake up for an hour so i could start writing at like 12 but no my supid cell phone didn't wake me up on time so i have been writing almost since i got home so i could finish the first pov for this chapter which i have done by the way  and the next one is going to be Lillian's wich will be a little long but hopefully i'll be done with it before i have ot get ready for school and i can start on Derik's/ Vince becuase i'm going to change the pov at the beging of his and then i'm going to do some crazy ass shit so i can get some things done in this chapter becuase i have a little to cover before Memoires and i have pretty much alll the ideas of how they all are going to happen Jamie rape scene, Fredric Death Scene, Lillian Death Scence, Derik goes back in the pass to see his grandparens die scecne ( in the chapter i'm going to write this week ) Vince torture scence, and then valley scence all have to happen before Memoires can one imagin that all happend when they were in the hospital sort of except for like the valley bu that was like wayy at the end of the story in the begining like it is now but now they are out of the hospial and in the winderness which i like wayy more than the hospital and Lillian and Elle and going to be out of the hospital in this chapter  and i just finished Elle's POV which is a bit long

school is veyr boring and agrivating so far and i don't like it in the slightest, i don't have any classes with my true freinds and my only true freight almost missed the bus today when we were leaving from school today and that would have sucked is she did becuase then i would have been stuck with the slabs.

i have a math test tommorow and a Civics test on wendsday that i have yet to study for and i need to do that before i go to sleep tonight becuase it's not smart to study for somthing the night before the test and i would like the get all straight A's again this year becuase that's a real boost to my self esteam.

i feel as if i'm losing all of my writer freinds/ readers to my story becuase the only one that ever read it isn't reading it anymore and this is the better vision and it really depressed me that no one is reading it when i put in hard labor hours to make it better, have themes, and make my charecters suffer throuhg their internal conflics but no one is going to read their story anyway so why even try to do them justince by giving them a good story and making them all fleshed out when no body ever comments on the edited chapters, none ever gives critisims, and no one tells me what i am doign right and what i am doing wrong so i can get some help with these things soooo it's really agrivatign when i do these things for other people and i get nothing in responce, when i want other people to update their things so i can read their storyies and tell them what to improve on, and tell them what i like and dislike. But by the time they do udate i can give a fuck less reather i read the damn thing or not becuase it's been sooo long and i've forgotten more than half of the story like i do all the time when it takes forever for somthing to get written due not our of being busy but pure procrastination.

procrastination, procrastination, procrastination that's all that it is and i'm sick of it >:o GAHHHHH

and i'm deaply afarid one of my writer freinds is going down a sliperly slope of somthing worce than procrastination... somthing i don't even want to think about becuase it is that horrible. It's the place where writes go when they become not writers anymore DUN DUN DUN it's called a life with nothing!  Anyway i'm afaraid of this becuase this person hasn't been writing for a while, and when i do it i know it's bad and it's mostly durring scheduled breaks when i need a break to focus on my charecters more or themes to make my story better, but idk with this person it's like kabloom and she's no interested in writing anymore. *sigh*  i often wonder what happens to the random writers of the world.

What are random writers one aks? Well random writers are the people who start writing in like middle school, people who never had any real itrest in writing and then just sudenly picked up a pencil and started writing just ebcuase they were bored or needed somthing to entertain them. That's what i call them, and i see most of them like die in the first few years of their writing carrer ( i have never really read a work of a random writer becuase they never finish the thing they start)

Anyway just incase sombody thinks i'm a hipocrit; i'm not. I have been writing since first grade, since i could write a good sentnece. I remember my first story like it was yesterday and i still love it , and i'm not ashamed of it becuase it ws cliche at all and i find it sort of dark :) Now, if only i can find it. And yes, i did finish it :) One of only like three i did manage to finish before Life is dandy, 

 so hmmm this ended up being a pretty large post on school and my worries about someone ... i hope that person doesn't get mad when it reads this.  

here is another link http://www.teenink.com/raw/Poetry/article/127543/World-On-Fire/   to somthing you must rate remember World On Fire ??? well i sent it in like two days ago and they send me this ( i sort of wanted it to be automaticuly in the mag but i guess i'm not good enough for that) and sooo i need you t rate it and i need you to rate it fast and then go rate Scribling Days so i can have them both in the magazine

i'll post later tonight or tommrow morning after i write some more becuase i haven't gotten to write all week becuase i keep falling asleep when i get home but today i will edit and write and i will make some head way :D

  see you soon

today is the last day of summer
 

today is the last day of life

today is the last day of feedom

today it all implodes again

today is the last day of peace

today is the last day of slight joy

today is the last day of everything

tommrorw everythign is going to die

   yeah that's bascily how i feel about tommrow being school again; i wrote this epic poem about it but i don't feel like posting it, but it will post it here and fp later on durrign the week when i can secure an hour to post it buecase it takes like an hour to transfer such things to the computer becuase i type sort of slowly, but i idigress. Today is the last day of summer, and i am sad, sad that everything will return to the states of The Month of May again when i refuese to go to religion sad that i know things are going to be awkward between my "freinds", sad that i don't think they know i don't belive in their religion/ any religion and it will be the final blow to our "freinship" becuase durring The Month of May they only focussed on the suisidal thing and the bi thing, but i don't even think i really told them about me being athiest becuase of this reason... but i'm not looking forward to it as the present turns back into school :(

 Yeah so my life is goign to basicily suck again durring school becuase they fucked up my schudeule, and i'm getting a new one tommrow. i mean really all they had to do is switch two things and they ended up switching like three things that really gets me irrated becuase i don' t want to have Phyical Science Honers, English II Honers, and Gemoery in the same samester but last year i had Algebra, French II, World Geo Honers, and Enlgish I Honers in the same samester so i think i'm going to be fine if they do it that way.... but i really didn't want it this was. Plus they have me with Science in my first period class, and i can't do that early in the morning and then i have English II ; the creative juices aren't awoken that early. But that's the second semester so hopefuly i'm used to school by January.

And now off to the topic of the journal: Manly Men
it seems that everyone is telling me that i need to be more... um phyicaly inclined becuase i need to know how to change a tire for some reason and change oil, and be able to fix my broken toilet??????? There are such things as plumbers are for and there are such things as repair shops and the people who come help you when u get a flat ( don't know who they are but i know they exist) SO why do i need to know all of these things?!?! I sort of know how to change oil, but it involves getting under the vechincle while it's on those dnagerous things one drives it on so one can get under the vechicle and i think that' s a bit scary to so so i don't think i'll ever change my own oil. And i don't need to fix my own toielt becuase then i would be taking away yet another job in this horrible ecomonmy, manly men should think of that next time they want to fix their own things. And a flat tire , who can change on of those most people don't even carry a spare! I will, but it wont mean i'll be able to change it. Fuck this manly man thinking, i can wash my own clothes and cook and wash dishes if i really wanted to so that all over powers manly man thinking becuase cars are always changing and if things keep on going like they are cars won't even have wheels to change :)

 yeah both my mother and grandmother told me that in the span of a few days and it gets more enraging every time. and she was talking about me going a half day to school durring my senior year i think not becuase i'm going to need all the classes i can to look good for colleges and then i htink i'm going to take Spanish III senoir year and Speach and then... Speach II if it really comes down to the nitty gritty becuase i'll need 3 elecs every year. After this year 'l have like 99.99% of my requiered elecs all i need to take is Art after this year and i'll take that next year with Spanish I and Spanish II, soon i'll be able to talk with the Mexicans around here :D

 and then for College.... Well there is LSU and Nicholes here in Lousisiana  ( those are the like bigest picks for people in my town anyway) and i don't want to go to either, i want to go out of state; i have been thinking of an Art school but haven't really been looking for some

 i know what my majors are going to be: Education and Litueraure ( i would like to do Creative Writing too but i don't think one can do a tripple major and i think it would kill me to do so)

   see i have EVERYTHING planned, save for the colleges to apply to

  and before anyone aks,no i'm not in any clubs and don't really plan on being in any becuase the ones at my school SUCK ASS, save for the libarey club and the other one that is enlgish centered and i MAY choose to be in one of those but i don't know becuase no one can every come pick me up and i won't have my licence until January!  *sighs epic sigh if fustration*  sooo this has evloved into an epic post for some reason and i still haven't gotten to the writing part of everything

now for the wriritng part of everything, more mechinaics have manifested themselves for my story and the ending has slighly changed AGAIN  but in a sence has definded itself and i cry every time i think about t or is that becuase i have been wallowing in the - it - is - the- end- of - summer blues and i'll be going back into slab terriorty

Slab: an emotionless, thougttless, lacking in creativety drone of the world who only clares what it looks like and who it is dating and such things like that and has no private parts---- created by me in the begining of the Month of May before all the crazyness and feel free to use it but don't be all "OMG I though of this allll by myself" becuase then i will hunt u down and brun you into a nice crispy salom covered in butter that i won't eat but will throw into the thames and watch you drown! Now harsh at all

anyway back to writing, yeah it's very sad the ending is but i think i'll have to do like two epilogues becuase well it's complicated without giving away the whole story and ending but as i have said it has become more define and i can see it way better this way and it just makes me soooo sad :'( like, it's bad

   and i didn't even get to write any of lillian's things becuase i procrastinate too much :/ but i have completed writing hell and that makes me happy and i have transfered chapter fiftheen and all that jazzz and i'm ready to start editing again with the start of the ugly school and the end of life and the end of everything but it means more poetry! durring school i wrote all kinds of poetry and durring the Month of May i wrote a lot and i'm almost out of paper in my jounral thing... but i do have some in my other journal thing but she is the keeper of the scnes and i haven't been using her lately :( durring school that will change since i'll only be able to edit at home and i'll be Sasha to school so i can write varrious scenes and be as happy as i can be with the memoires of the Month of May flarring into my vissin everytime i think of it or just stray way from thought but writing is lovley and i think everything is going to be fine ( hopefuly) soooo yeah lets all just think of that
 

it would make me even more happier if people would comment on the chapters on here and if * glares at* Karina would, you know, update her story before i forget everything about it, and if someone woulcd rate Scribling Days where i linked it so i can be on the magazine and if she would get on aim tonight

 but all is lost to the days of death

my birthday is in like 8 days, i'll be 16, hopefully my "freinds" remember but they never do ....

and this post is long enough and my battey has wasted away while writign this soo please comment  on somthing to bring my joy up bye bye for now but i'm staying in the cave

so soon for a journal entry but i have news , wounderful fantasic halrious news

as i was watching Thumbilina the other day and watching the songs of it yesterday i came up with an idea that made me chuckle :D

i'm going to write a parody of like every stupid ass book there is lke Twilight when the shy gril gets the omg so fucking hot guy here's somthing i have " It's... so small." - girl "Yeah?" - boy " Please remove yourself from the vaginal area!" girl " What?" boy  " i said please remove yourself from the vaginal area!" girl

 :D luzzzz i don't really have an ending yet but i think i do have one that just sums up what happens in those books so i think i'm going to use that as the ending when i get around to writing it :)

now for stuff aout but death is delsious     the ending has changed , again and magorly becuase there are new deaths in the ending , way mor than before and  quite like it beucase it is aweosome :D

 as for writing i think i'm going to wait for school to start to really start writing again becuase thats what i did last year

 there is no more news see u later